While I Wait by Julia Vandenoever

Issue 165

I wonder every day if my brother Jamie, who has a substance abuse disorder, is dead or alive. Our last phone call was in August of 2018, but I continue to search for him with no answers. I have never known life without my younger brother, he was always there. Our relationship is the reason I have two children; I couldn't imagine life without a sibling, but I can now.

While I Wait is my emotional journey through ambiguous loss, the experience of those left to grieve someone who is alive, or gone, but not indefinitely. As I sift through old boxes of family snapshots of birthdays, vacations, and Christmases, all captured with smiles and hugs, I wonder why does he struggle with addiction when I do not? How can I protect my children from going down a similar path? Our last conversations were painful and confusing for me. When Jamie texted, "You ain't my sister no more" his words stung with no relief. We share the same blood, but am I still a sister?

I am in limbo, where closure is not an option. While I Wait is an intimate story of substance abuse, a disease with no boundaries. Through the juxtaposition of text messages, archival family photos, and images of my own two children, I investigate the reoccurring pain, isolation, and loneliness that come with having a loved one who is swallowed up by addiction. By sharing my vulnerability I hope to create connection, healing, and love and open the conversation of addiction due to the current fentanyl crisis. Our story might change, and I hope it will, but I have to wait for the next chapter. This is an elegy to a lost relationship between a brother and a sister.

Julia Vandenoever (she/her) lives and works in Boulder, Colorado.
juliavandenoever.com | @juliavandenoever